The Introvert

Ever since I moved here to Nampa, I haven't had a chance to socialize. Even more so with college. I hate starting from scratch because I spent many years without friends to speak to when I lived in Boise. Even though she is a two-faced bitch, Liz was someone who introduced me to a social life. She helped me through a difficult phase in my life. There were things that I stopped doing after hanging out with her. She is a bad influence, but she is one of the best things that happened to me. The more people that said what a shit talker she was, the less impressed I was with her. I even look at the photos of her and her new family and I see what a phony she is. I have a hard time socializing because people cause nothing but drama. I have to socialize because communication is the way humans survive. It is one of the only things that motivate me. Even when I am talking to my co-workers. I may be talking at them sometimes, but I need a social outlet. I am having a hard time reaching out because all I want is the presence of another. I feel like I am intruding on the lives of others when that is not my intention. I have a hard time being motivated because people quit talking to me and start talking shit to other people. People do not return phone calls or texts. People delete themselves from friends lists. Shannon is another good person that I know. I recently was supposed to meet up with her and some others to watch a movie. When I made it, I felt really emotional and overwhelmed. It has been two years since I have seen her last. I haven't even met her first born. I felt crushed because I have been anticipating hanging out with her. I felt mad at myself because I have been trying so hard to spend time with people. I bitch about it all the time, but I am too nervous about meeting people I already know. Even worse, I get scared when I am in the presence of complete strangers. It doesn't matter how friendly they are, I can't talk to them and look them in the face while doing so. I don't know if it is because I work on the phone. Every once in a while I have to tolerate belligerence and it reminds me of how shady people can be. I have a hard time wanting to be around people.