Time for New Chapter

I have been going through plenty and I do not have time for anything. I am tired of it. Ever since October, I have been waking up wondering why I even own a house. I have been in the same house for six years. I moved into the house with the same car I have now and the same dog I have now. Doesn't anyone get a house to start a life? I have done no such thing. I still have a shitty dating life; nobody wants a commitment WITH ME. Men run off to marry the neighbor across the street. Men run off to another state or country and get married. Nobody takes me with them. Nobody cares to take me with them or make an effort to help me get out of here. My friends in Boise tell me to move back and I ask, "What for? Do you know that was where I moved from?" It's the same situation in Boise and I HATE IDAHO!! If I am going to be moving anywhere, it is going to be away from here. I am already alone. I asked why anyone wants me to move to Boise or stay in Idaho. I am told that my friends and family are here. I am told my friends will miss me. Well, if they miss me so bad, how come I am alone at home every Saturday night? OMG, fuck you. I am certainly not going to go to church for a social life. I am not going to meet up groups because they are strangers and I don't know anyone. It doesn't help that I do not trust a soul especially after that CUNT Bianca. What a piece of crap; I am not ready to tell the story yet. I will have to show screen shots of all of the horrible things she has said. She is such a miserable bitch her parents are not even talking to her. NO IT DOES NOT MATTER if you do a background check. Next person who tells me that deserves to be slapped. What the do you think I have been doing and who do you think you are for lecturing me to do something when I am an adult? I have EVERY right to say something about what is going on in my life and I am SICK of people lecturing me when I say something. I am not going to keep things bottled up. If I am going through distress or a crappy experience I am NOT asking for your opinion. Especially, if you think you are an expert on me and have information from another party and not myself. TIRED OF IT. This has been going on my entire life. I live a life of solitude and silence and I cannot take it anymore. I want to leave. I am tired of people treating me like shit and abusing me. I am tired of not being able to have any type of emotion whatsoever. I am tired of being in an environment where people talk about me to others behind my back. Everyone is the expert of me when nobody has ever heard my side of the story. Rami had to go to Iraq back in October. He told me there was trouble. I was worried sick about him. He did not let me say good bye. He didn't even let me know when he came back. I thought that his cousins were threatening to kill his family. All I could picture was ISIS capturing and murdering him. His friends would not tell me what was going on. Good ol' SKANKY Krista Hissner started sending me messages on Tango as soon as he left. She said, "You know why he went to Iraq??? I do!!" God, why would a slut think that I would listen to her when she is obviously being a malicious bitch? I told her once more to leave me alone (I already blocked her on Facebook after telling her that I did not want to share him with her.) and I blocked her on yet another social media device. I wanted to hear it from Rami...not a WHORE. What confused me was that he called me. He was trying to buy me shoes. We couldn't figure it out. As long as he called, I knew he was alive and okay. About a couple days later, his friend posted a picture of Rami's car and it had decorations on it. In Arabic he congratulated Rami on his marriage. I never felt so hurt because this was the sixth time that this has happened to me. I lost yet another friend in the process. I cussed him out for hiding what Rami was doing. I cussed Rami out for not telling me what was going on. I was more infuriated with him because I was supposed to be a friend of his and he told everyone else including that slut Krista. What the fuck is with everyone??? He stated he was trying to keep me from being hurt. By being dishonest? I showed him the messages that Krista up and sent me without me instigating any conversation. I told him how he expected me to trust him or anyone else again? Do you not understand the damage you have caused? He seemed disgusted. Rami sneered, "Why does she have to be like that?" My thought was because he was probably fucking her!! I was in severe pain during the weekend and stayed in bed taking pain medication. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't ANY man do me the courtesy of telling me instead of leaving me hanging and not able to let go? I tried to find comfort. He told me that I could not come because his brothers and cousin was there. I researched Iraqi culture and they marry their cousins there. This gave me no comfort whatsoever because I realized that he did not lie that his cousin was there...that was his wife. I am already overwhelmed. I tried to have a normal conversation with his friend who I lost trust in. His friend slipped and said that him and Krista were not together anymore. I flipped out. I was pissed that she (who supposedly had a boyfriend) touched the very person I told her I did not want to share. I was pissed at Rami most of all. He got jealous when one of my male friends were coming to help me at the house. He got jealous after I thought we broke up of another man. He told me to not sleep with anyone else while he was away. Why would I when I have no interest in anyone else anymore? I was pissed because I asked him so many times. I was pissed because there were so many things I saw that made me suspicious of him that he blatantly lied to my face about. I said the nastiest things to him. This sucks because I love him, even though he told me not to. I cannot help it. He tells me so much that he likes me. He tells me he misses me. He told me that he is not happy with the marriage and that he tried to stop it. My thought is, if you are in America and they are in Iraq tell them to fuck off. God, if you are in a country that gives you that freedom why travel back to get stuck in another predicament. Want to prevent it? DON'T GO!! Perhaps he missed his family that much? Perhaps his cousins were going to kill someone? He probably didn't want any other tragedies to be "his fault." I stay with him. I stay with him because I know he likes me. I stay with him because I give up. All I can think of is how bad I want to leave. There are more women than men in the state of Idaho. People do not socialize and accept others here. I have so much to take care of on the house by myself. Huge yard=me. Several trees falling apart=me. Plumbing=me. Electrical=me. Siding= me. It is so bad, I don't even have time to work? What is the point? For credit? Men say, "What do you mean? You are independent, have a job, and own a house!" For what? Just to be by myself and die alone? I want to grow old with someone, why can't I have a chance at anything? I have been here for six years and nothing has changed in my life other than a degree and a different employer. I don't know where to go. I cannot even research that without getting a virus on the computer. God, I am so tired of this and I want out.